Saturday, November 5

The Call of Rove-Cthulhu

First i'll give props-- to Dafydd, for the inspiration. Second, to Joe Katzman, the only man i've ever known to be fluent in R'lyehian. And of course, to the immortally hilarious and peerless Iowahawk, my idol. ;-)

/Begin/ Classified transmission from Covert Agent Playah Grrl to LGC: FOUO
This is an article that i boosted from NYT Double Select TopSecret Content--betcha didn't know about that service!
To read NYT Double Select TopSecret Content, not only do you have to pay, but you must also be a member in good standing of MOVEON.org, the Kos Kidz Klub, or a certified and registered Deaniac--or else one of Maureen Dowd's current or potential "escorts".
Content follows.

Mysterious Briefcase Reveals Rovean Conspiracy
dateline: November 5 2005

Last night a member of the NYT Investigative Reporter Team recovered a battered briefcase from a dumpster outside the Pentagon. The briefcase, which was also covered in a strange sticky green slime, contained some hand-written notes, along with a queer clay bas-relief, about five or six inches in area, depicting a squid-headed monster surrounded by undecipherable hieroglyphics. The following is a transcription of the handwritten notes recovered from the case.

Dear Reader,
If you are reading this then I fear the worst for me and my companion. For I am Dr. Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC and sole sacred repository of the Democrat Party's hopes and dreams.
Recently I had become concerned about the outlandish and bizarre claims made by blogger Markos Zuniga, that he was planning to destroy the DLC, a valued moderate wing of our fair Democratic Party. When I confronted Markos, he revealed to me that he had indeed fallen under the influence of occult nightmares, directing him to
destroy the DLC, in a manner eerily similiar to Lucy's, (the Daughter of the Devil) Dog, that hypnotises all her boyfriends into killing themselves.
I knew instantly that these nightmares originated in the Rovean Mind-control Apparatus. The Democrats have long known of the existance of the Apparatus--it causes us to lose elections and keeps red-state voters in a zombified state of consistantly voting rethuglican.
So I resolved to get to the bottom of this once and for all. Senator Hilary Clinton and I donned our ninja suits, and triangulated on the signal by implanting electrodes in Markos Moulitsas Zuniga's severed head, which we carried with us, and set out to expose the Apparatus and the Architect.
Sure enough, the transmissions emmanated from a source deep beneath the Pentagon. Donning blackface and janitor outfits to enter the building, we used our National Security Council credentials to enter the classified areas.
We descended ever lower into the bowels of the Pentagon, finally acquiring access to the subterranean levels through a sewer vent. Imagine our horror to discover a cyclopean acropolis stretching for miles beneath the streets of our nation's capital. It was nothing less than the earth's supreme terror, the nightmare corpse city of R'lyeh, built in measureless eons behind history by the vast loathsome shapes that seeped down from the dark stars!
How to describe the nightmarish star chamber with its abhorrently wrong geometry, where Rove and Rumsfeld skinned off their man-suits to reveal themselves as Great Cthulhu and Yog Sothoth, surrounded by the fawning, gibbering mongrel population of their sycophants and servants! How the sticky green star spawn giggled and capered in obscene glee as they described the inexorable ascendency of Alito to the Supreme Court, the impotence of Fitzgerald, and the coming complete and utter destruction of the Democratic Party.
Nearly driven mad by the obscene images before us, Hilary and I turned away in revulsion to attempt to make our way back to the surface--but even as I scribble my last notes, i hear a vile, nasty slopping sound behind us...we must bring the message of Rove's true identity to the befuddled red-staters, before it is too late!


NYT Double Select TopSecret vows to leave no slimy green stone unturned in our investigation of Senator Clinton's and Dr. Dean's mysterious disappearances.

/End of Transmission/ heh. Good luck with that.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

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