Wednesday, February 8

Amazing Jimmy Carter Facts

Jimmy Carter never used the word “malaise” in the famous 1979 “Malaise Speech”. What he actually said was, “My legs hurt, I hate this job, and you-all make me want to puke.”

Jimmy Carter holds more “Worst” titles than any other human being. They include Worst President, Worst Cover of “Midnight Train to Georgia”, and Worst Carbon-based Organism of all Time.

Jimmy Carter has the same number of letters in his name as Chuck Norris. Anyone who threatens to tell Chuck Norris this will be put on the Secret Service Watch List and may be charged with a felony.

Hurricanes and tidal waves are caused by the fact that Jimmy Carter sucks.

Jimmy Carter invented the Planetary Gravity Well. Because he sucks.

Jimmy Carter suffers from an extremely rare medical condition known as “Hardening of the Play-Doh”.

Jimmy Carter coined the term “Google”. It means “good girl”.

Jimmy Carter is the only known person to have an irrational number for an IQ score, and the only known person to have an imaginary number for a sperm count.

Jimmy Carter’s ass cannot be fact-checked, as its precise location is unknown.

The best-ever impersonation of Jimmy Carter was done by Nikolai Ceaucescu, on a Romanian television program in 1989. He was immediately executed by firing squad, as a routine precaution. The second-best Jimmy Carter impersonator was George “Goober Peas” McCoy of South Carolina, who was mauled to death by bunny rabbits.

The Bizzaro World version of Jimmy Carter can make 5 distinct vowel sounds. Bizarro World has no inflation or unemployment, and the speed limit is 299,792,458 miles per second.

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