Tuesday, February 7

Iran Declares Toon War!

"I'm Yosemite Sam, the blood-thirstiest, shoot 'em firstiest, doggone worstiest buccaneer that ever sailed the Spanish Main, and I aim to blow you to smithereenies!"

(The last words Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will ever hear this side of Allah-land)

Now they've done it. Iran, the country where no one has smiled since 1979, has challenged the West to a funny picture contest. Boy, are they ever going to show us. It's enough to make you wet your crisp white infidel underwear. With fear, I mean.

As a humorous subject for their Cartoon Jihad, the little Ted Ralls of Ayatollah-ville have chosen - the Holocaust. This is the funniest fucking thing they can think of, apart from hanging 12 year-old girls. Not that Iran is exactly bubbling over with humorous material. The utter disgrace that they've brought to the ancient civilization of Persia isn't very funny. The fact that none of their toilets face towards Mecca is sort of funny, but not to them. Their idea of a comical situation is honor-raping the wrong girl by mistake, and they can't depict that in a cartoon without annoying the Great Merciful Tight-Ass in the Sky. So the Holocaust it is.

Allah knows, they face some serious obstacles here. First of all, Iranian Islamists are about as funny as so many intestinal polyps. Laughing yourself sick over dead Jews and Leon Klinghoffer "jokes" is not the same thing as having a lively sense of humor. Secondly, the last Muslim artist worthy of the name died in the 15th century. All of his work was destroyed when the Saudis (who are also unfunny) blew up all those mosques in Kosovo. Modern Islamic artists work mainly with paper mache (for Uncle Sam effigies) and do their interior decorating with drywall and whitewash. Serious works of art, like silk-screened t-shirts with pictures of dead suicide bombers on them, are generally purchased from the slightly more talented Europeans.

Granted, not all of our cartoonists are geniuses, either. But up against the Iranian Revolutionary Cartoon Corps, even Funky Winkerbean could kick some major butt. At long last, that kid who draws "Boondocks" will seem funny in comparison. And if Gary Larson comes out of retirement, the twisted bastards are going to wish we'd just nuked them instead.

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