Sunday, April 30

Plans for Miles Standish Day

Monday is "May Day", known at my house as Commie Christmas (and/or Ignorant-Ass Pagan Hannukah). It has been a rather neglected holiday since the demise of Soviet Tank Parades, during which Kremlinologists studied the spectators atop Lenin's Tomb to figure out which geriatric Bolshevik was in or out of favor. They would note things like the fact that Bulganin was not wearing any pants, which meant that he was The Walrus who killed Paul McCartney, and so on.

Now that American progressives are reviving this moribund holiday, I've decided that it should be re-designated "Miles Standish Day". That in honor of the old Puritan blunderbuss who arrested the intoxicated inhabitants of Merrymount, Massachusetts, for reveling around a maypole: "Dancing and frisking together - like so many fairies, or furies rather - and worse practices. As if they had anew revived & celebrated the feasts of ye Roman Goddess Flora, or ye beastly practices of ye mad Bacchanalians."

This early effort to control multiculturalism is insufficiently appreciated today. What started with a little casual Bacchanalian group sex ended up with thousands of goose-stepping Russians. I'm dead serious. Tyranny begins not with tyranny but with the abuse of liberty, as Hitler and Mussolini well understood.

THINGS TO DO ON MILES STANDISH DAY

1. Wear ye pants, and avoid ye beastly practices until sundown.

2. Boycott Tyson Foods. This is a good idea every day, as that corporation is a morass of organized crime, Clintonism, and exploitative labor practices. Not to mention the processing waste product known as "fecal soup". Their decision to close in support of "immigrant rights" (which is actually the "right" of Tyson to use Mexicans as virtual slave labor) shows which side they're on.

3. Find a person who's legally applying for citizenship, and help him or her study.

4. Call the IRS and ask if paying taxes is now optional. If they say no, ask why companies like Tyson are allowed to hire illegals without collecting payroll tax. Pretend to be Paul Krugman of The New York Times, just in case they put you on their Audit Hit List for being a wiseass.

5. Call the embassy of whatever country your ancestors came from, and thank them for kicking you out.

6. Be extra nice to the people who fix your car, wait on your table, clean your office, and bust their asses doing all the millions of little things for you every day. If it weren't for them, you'd be in Hell.

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